yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
