Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
