Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
