My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Is it penis luge time yet?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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