Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
