I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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