I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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