I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Randomize
