There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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