the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
