that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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