Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
