Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
