just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
