if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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