remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
