Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
