Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
