wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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