i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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