this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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