Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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