yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Blow job season was short but glorious.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
