Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
This beer is not sobering me up at all
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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