1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize