Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize