GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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