shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
