My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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