Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
