I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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