New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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