Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
