did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
