I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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