If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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