Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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