The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize