Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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