last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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