i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
