i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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