Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
