I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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