You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
