The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
