i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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