I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize