Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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