I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize