so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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