I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Someone shattered a urinal.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize