a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
