Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Every concussion has its silver lining
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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