I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Sext me about skeletons
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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