ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
