Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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