Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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