I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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