my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
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