I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize