it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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