So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Dicks are not precious.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize