Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
