Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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